Hi Peeps,

Well, as expected, it has been a tumultuous week in Westminster.  I was going to talk about Brexit and the latest goings on, but you know what? I can’t be bothered. Suffice to say, its mind boggling to hear these stuffed shirts boast how they are “Defending Democracy and Parliamentary Sovereignty”. And how are they achieving this? By preventing implementation of the 2016 referendum, the biggest democratic vote in our history.  And by handing Brussels the power to decide when, or if and on what terms, we can leave the EU. Which, I now believe will be never.

So, instead, I want to talk about another earth shattering news story that broke this week.  Scientists from New Zealand have announced that Nessie,  the Loch Ness Monster is in fact a Giant Eel. Probably.

Loch Ness

There can’t be many people in the world that don’t know about Nessie. Perhaps a few tribesmen in the more remote regions of the Amazon. The bits that haven’t been burned yet at least.  But just in case there are some of you reading this who have no idea what I am talking about, let me explain.

Loch Ness is a beautiful and rather deep body of fresh water that stretches some 37 kms to the southwest of Inverness in the Scottish Highlands. Its claim to fame, other than its outstanding scenery is that is is the largest loch, by volume, in the British Isles and it is the home to the mythical beasty, Nessie. The Loch Ness Monster.

Scottish folklore is littered with mythical water creatures. Remember the film, ‘The Water Horse’?  Well, stories of a monster in Loch Ness date back into history. There are stone carvings by the ancient Picts which depict a mysterious beast with flippers. In his Biography, written around 565 AD,  St Columba describes an encounter with a monster in the Loch that bit a man and was preparing to attack another before the Saint intervened, ordering the monster to go back. Fortunately for the Saint and the intended victim, the monster obeyed.

The Legend

Over the next few centuries, sightings were few and far between, or possibly lost to history.  But by 1933, the legend began to grow. A road that runs along the Loch was completed, allowing access to far more people than had been possible before and sightings of the monster increased considerably.  Of course drink driving laws were quite lax in those days and whisky has always been popular with visitors to the Highlands.  Just saying.

In April of that year,  a couple claimed to have seen an enormous animal which they likened to a “Dragon or prehistoric monster”. After crossing in front of their car, the beast disappeared into the water.  This was reported in a Scottish newspaper and after this, dozens of reports of a monster followed.

Oddly, the last few years have seen a spike in sightings. From 2017 through to this year, new records have been set.  Admittedly, this was only 8 in 2017, 15 in 2018 and 14 so far this year. But even so, it shows the monster legend is still alive and thriving.  If you are interested check out the official Nessie sighting web site at www.lochnesssightings.com 

 

 

The Proof

Over the years there have been many attempts to find the monster.  Way back in 1933 after the  initial  flurry of sightings, the good old Daily Mail commissioned Marmaduke Wetherell, a renowned big game hunter, to locate the monster.  He claimed to have found large footprints on the Loch shore which he claimed “belong to a powerful creature of some 20ft in length”, but no actual monster. In 1987 and again in 2003, extensive Sonar Surveys were carried out on the Loch, but with no success. In fact despite the very many images captured of the monster, no concrete evidence has ever been found.

Hoax’s

As you might expect, there have been hoax’s about the monster.  In fact, the footprints found by old Maramduke in 1933 were inspected by a team of  Natural History Museum zoologists. They concluded the tracks were probably made by an umbrella stand with a Hippopotamus foot as a base. No one suggested Marmaduke was involved in the hoax, but it sure fooled him, not to mention put him in a really bad temper.

Possibly the most famous hoax was perpetrated by an English surgeon, Robert Kenneth Wilson in 1934.  He took what became one of the most iconic photographs of the monster. Showing  a small head and long neck, it became known as “the Surgeons Photograph”.  This survived through to 1994 when it was finally revealed to be a hoax by a revenge seeking Marmaduke. Turns out the monster was in fact  a plastic and wooden head attached to a toy submarine. 60 years he waited to prove the hoax, old Marmaduke. Now that’s what I call bearing a grudge.

 

 

DNA

Last years a bunch of scientists, led by a Boffin from New Zealand’s University of Otago, undertook a massive DNA survey of the Loch.  It seems when you or me or a trout, a frog or a monster swim in water, we leave behind traces of our DNA.  This team took hundreds and hundreds of samples of the Loch water.  They extracted any DNA present from each sample, sequenced it and compared it against global data bases.  This gave a pretty comprehensive picture of what is in the loch. From microscopic bacteria, fish and even man. Well people do swim in there.  Personally I wouldn’t.  Not because of fears of a monster, have you felt how cold the water is? Even in mid summer, it’s freezing.

It seems the largest proportion of the DNA found was from eels.  Eels are plentiful in the Lock and another good reason not to swim there. Fascinating creatures eels, with their complex lifecycle that begins in the Sargasso Sea.  But they are also slimy and squirmy and quite revolting creatures. I have encountered a few eels whilst fishing. One became quite fond of my leg in the Welsh Dee and wrapped itself around it, causing me to squeal like a girl whilst hopping around trying to shake the beast off. I’ll never forgive the species for that.

 

Anyway, a theory has been put forward that Nessie may in fact be an oversized mutant eel. The largest European eels tend to grow  to about 6feet in length. I suppose its possible that in the confines of Lock Ness, unusually large eels, reaching up to 12 feet might exist. Its not such a good legend though, is it? The Lock Ness Monster-eel? That may prove the teams undoing.

 

 

 

The Truth

It is estimated that Nessie contributes over £50Million annually to Scotlands tourism industry. People come, hoping to spot the monster whilst indulging in a cream tea or a few drams.  The ruined but pretty Urquhart Castle on the shores of the loch is a real tourist trap and has been the location for many monster sightings.  In nearby Drumnadrochit is  Nessieland  and the Loch Ness Centre and Exhibition, which attract thousands of tourists each year.  Are these tourists still going to flock to Loch Ness to look for signs of an oversized eel?  Moreover, its really hard to get an eel to wear a kilt and Tam o’shanter cap, so decent photo opportunities will be lost.

 

Retribution

I think Sturgeon and the Scottish government will have something to say about that. I predict they will declare Nessie an endangered species. Simultaneously they will impose a ban on all New Zealand scientists from Scotland and use the theory as another reason why Scotland should be independent. Not quite sure why this would work, to be honest, but that’s never stopped them before, so go for it.

On this occasion, I would support them 100%.  It may be daft.  It may be scientifically improbable. But I want to believe in Nessie and who’s top say there isn’t some monster creature, possibly a mutated eel having eaten too many wild haggis, living in the murky depths of Loch Ness.  It will always be a beautiful place and I think irrespective of the DNA survey, the legends will live on. I recommend you take a look yourself.  Take a camera and a tripod. A thermos of coffee plus your favourite dram and give it a go.

I suspect your chances of spotting the  creature are probably significantly higher than catching a glimpse of a sensible, grown up politician in Westminster.  And on that bombshell.

Talk soon,

Graham